Do you ever feel like you do all of this grownup stuff that some people find very important and impressive, but really you're just winging it and full of shit, and eventually the world will figure it out? I feel that way most of the time. I could be arguing a case before a panel of judges at the United States Court of Appeals, slamming one of their questions out of the park, and I still feel like I look and sound like a teenager and that any minute, someone's going to ask me for my credentials and send me back to study hall.
It's called Imposter Syndrome, and I think alot of people experience it. My mother, who is a career Foreign Service diplomat and has served as a U.S. ambassador to foreign countries, confessed to me once that she feels that way, too. When she was an ambassador, people were constantly coming to her asking for advice and instructions and policy recommendations, and she knew the answers but said she frequently felt like she was flying by the seat of her pants and that she was convinced others would soon be on to her.
So far, I've managed to fool everyone.
I'm developing this education law course to teach at the law school at the University of Hawaii. I was looking for a way to get out into the legal community and make some local contacts, because working from home can be very lonely and isolating. So I went onto the law school's website and checked out their course offerings, and discovered they don't have an education law course. I have practiced special education law exclusively for 9 years, and know a bit about education law generally in addition to special education law specifically, so I wrote to the academic dean of the law school and offered to develop and teach a course for them. She took me up on it. It would be a new course that has to be approved by the curriculum committee, so the dean told me to write up the course proposal, pick out a textbook and develop a syllabus, and she would present it to the committee next week.
Today I sat down and wrote out the proposal. It took me a few hours. I researched textbooks and found one that was highly rated and that includes discussion of newer topics in the field. I developed a description for the course catalogue and a justification for the law school to expend resources on a course like this. I planned out a week-by-week syllabus for a semester.
The dean loves it. And I feel like a little kid playing "school."
Oh, wow! I so know that feeling.
ReplyDeleteI often think that when I write, especially when I do magazine work, that the editor is going to come back to me and tell me that I can't write, even though it has never happened. Also, I feel less like a pretender now that I have kids. I don't know exactly why, but after having my second child and realizing that I know what I'm doing, I feel less like a phony.
Okay...random question time, but do you know Suz from http://thewonderkeepingthestarsapart.blogspot.com/?
It would be too weird if you didn't know each other considering that she also practices special ed law.
But then again, it would be cool if you didn't know each other and I got to introduce you.
Wow--I feel that way ALL the time! I have responsibility for a fairly high-profile function within an Executive Branch agency. Sole responsibility. Me. Who is not even 30 yet and who once passed out drunk on an air hockey table. How did I get here??? Great post!
ReplyDeleteDawn -- I don't know Suz, though I will check out her blog asap. I wonder if she works on the parents' side -- I work for schools, and school attorneys are generally considered to be spawn of the devil by people on the parents' side. Re the Imposter Syndrom, I can see that being a parent would lessen the effects. I actually feel very competent with my son, so maybe that will bleed over into other areas of my life!
ReplyDeleteJen -- thanks for the comment! I want to hear the air hockey table story for sure.
ReplyDeleteSuz has worked on both sides of the fence. She was or is working for the Charleston School Board's law firm (they just fired the firm in order to hire in-house counsel). But prior to this she worked for an advocacy agency in Cola, SC. She's actually in the process of interviewing to find a new gig since her firm lost that account.
ReplyDeleteShe's super-cool. She went to law school at Wake Forest.
We've been friends in the real world since college and she's the only one I know who does what she does, so it was quite a coincidence to see that you do the same thing.
Wow, Wendy! I am so awed by what you do for a living.
ReplyDeleteI feel like a kid playing at grown up. Even with kids nearly grown, I feel like an imposter. I look at my 16 year old and think how did she get here?
Now I've gotta go read that NY Times article.
Best,
DCup
I need to write a proposal to teach this class at USC law school! I never even thought of just offering. Wow. You do rock. Plus, a guy who graduated from Wake Law with me is on the faculty there full time..Brant Hellwig, know him?
ReplyDelete