Wednesday, February 19, 2014

The one with the announcement

Much of the reason that I have been blogging so sporadically for, like, ever, is that I didn't feel I could write about the thing that was really occupying my mind.  So I would write about the kids (who are also on my mind), or funny stories or whatever, but not so much the day-to-day, "what's in my head" type of stuff.

But in the decision that J and I have made to separate, a huge weight has been lifted off of me.  I have been mentally living two lives -- the life I was in, and the life I dreamed of.  The life in which I wasn't stuck in an unhappy marriage.  It's been exhausting, and has resulted in me feeling like I was existing in a weird emotional or psychological fog.

But a little over a week ago, J and I talked and agreed that we should go our separate ways.

It's hard to deal with, even though it's what we want.  It's sad.  I have spent much of the past 10 days feeling weepy.  But we're settling in, emotionally, and ready for the next steps.

The next steps don't actually involve much change yet.  We're sorting out some financial stuff, so we're going to wait a little while before we physically separate.  In the meantime, J will study for and take his licensing exam, and, we're hoping, get a better (and better paying) job.  Once that happens, and the financial issues are worked out, he'll get a place in the neighborhood so that we can split time with the kids without having to travel far.

It may seem weird, but the current situation is pretty much how we've been living for a long time anyway -- we're friends/roommates who raise children together.  We're much better that way than as husband and wife.  The truth is, we get along fine and there's no hostility or animosity, and we're excellent parents to our two wonderful children.  But we have almost nothing (other than the kids) in common.  We approach life differently, we don't have similar interests, and there is no fire anymore.  Perhaps I was spoiled by the example that my parents set (and continue to set), but what we have is not a marriage, and hasn't been for a long time.  We both deserve better.

I want to reiterate that I love J.  He is a wonderful guy.  He is funny and fun to hang out with and friendly.  He's an amazing dad.  He will always be a part of my family.  But we will both be happier if we are no longer married to each other.

We are determined to be kind and fair to each other, and to focus on the kids.  They don't know yet, and there's no reason for them to know until the actual physical separation occurs -- it will only confuse them.  But once that happens, we will do everything in our power to make the transition for them as smooth as possible.  There will be no fighting or anger.  Just a new living arrangement.  We will continue to do things together with the kids.

The few people we have told so far have all reacted with concern, and with questions.  So I'll try to reassure everyone again.  J and I are both fine.  We're sad that it didn't work out, but we're OK.  We're committed to making this the friendliest, easiest break-up ever.  It's still early, but I don't see any reason why we can't accomplish that goal.  Fighting was never a problem for us, anyway.  We will continue to live as a family for the time being, which is working.  And then we will have a different living arrangement, and be a different kind of family.

Everything will be all right.

15 comments:

  1. Sending so much Light your way, Wendy. I am glad you've been able to share this. Hugs to all of you.

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    1. Thank you. It's been a huge relief to be able to write about it. xoxo

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  2. Huge hugs, Wendy. I am sorry - I'm sure it hurts, and I believe from how you sound that you are doing the absolute right thing for you. I offer you all my support and can't wait to give you giant hugs in person. I understand very well how it would be such a relief to have this out in the open. What a weight to carry and keep quiet about.

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    1. It's been so hard. I feel like so much more relaxed for the first time in forever.

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  3. I know that it's still incredibly hard even without overt hostility. I'll be thinking about you as you move forward.

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    1. Thank you! I've received so many kind words of support - it means a lot.

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  4. Oh Wendy! I'm sending as many hugs as I can, and will have you and your family in my thoughts. You're incredibly strong!

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    1. Love you back, babe. xoxo

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  6. So sorry to hear how tough it's been. But, it happens, and it seems like with your attitudes it will be the best possible break up. Best of luck!

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    1. Thank you -- so far so good. We're actually getting along better than ever!

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    2. and that's when you know the decision is the right one.

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  7. Hey, sorry to hear it, but sounds like you two are on the same page.... much better than being stuck in an unfulfilling relationship. Wishing you the best during the transition =).

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  8. Just reading this because of your last post- I'm happy for you. I'm sure this is a great weight lifted off your shoulders. Hugs to you my dear. You are a strong woman:) Your kids are so lucky to have such an amazing mom!

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