The more I've written about what's going on with me personally, the more I've vowed not to self-censor. Only one time did I alter a post, and it was at the request of people that I love and for legitimate reasons. I was still able to get my point across, but without potentially enflaming an already flammable situation, so I didn't feel too compromised.
But as more and more people that know me in The Real World come to read this blog, the more I feel constrained to self-edit either to avoid unnecessary conflict or strife with people that might be the subjects of a particular post. It's a problem of my own making -- I freely talk about this site and invite people to read it. But as a result, I'm finding that if I want to talk about some of the heavy shit I'm going through, I either have to make it so vague as to render it incomprehensible to anyone but me, or simply create a new, completely anonymous account and start a different blog in which names and places might be changed to protect the guilty, but all other details can be discussed.
My life out here can be very lonely. I spend alot of time by myself, and I don't have any close girlfriends here that I can talk to. So this writing is kind of my therapy. And if I have to do it in a way that's constrained, in order to be sensitive to people's privacy -- including my own -- it kind of loses its value to me.
I haven't made a final decision as to what to do about it yet.
In the meantime, I guess I'll be vague.
An iconic movie from my teenage years is The Breakfast Club. So angsty, so Brat-Pack-y, so "oh, John Hughes feels my pain."
It's also got some really good acting, particularly by Ally Sheedy and Anthony Michael Hall.
There's a scene in which the kids are talking about how misunderstood and put upon they are by their parents, and Ally Sheedy's character -- the basket case -- is asked, "what do they do to you?"
And in one of the more perfect line deliveries I've ever seen, you can almost see her heart breaking as she responds, "they ignore me."
That line always killed me. Because as rough as it is to be overtly mistreated by people that are supposed to love you, it's even worse when they just act like you're not there.
I feel you. It's a delicate balance figuring out how much is comfortable vs. how much you need to get things out. And it's so much more delicate and difficult where other people are involved.
ReplyDeleteI had forgotten about that line. You are so right - that's much, much worse.
I've had that same dilemma because someone from my old job reads my blog. When I really wanted to unleash on them for hiring a member of the Board of Directors as my replacement, I couldn't because I try really hard not to write about the details of my work.
ReplyDeleteAnd this is going to sound a little nutso, but I periodically ask my kids if they feel ignored because I can't tell when I might cross the line from letting them just be themselves to being ignored. So I just ask. Sometimes they say yes and I readjust the way I'm doing things. Because I know I would never abuse them, but harm them through ommission of affection or attention? Oh, yeah.
I just want you to know that I understand... All of it. The loneliness. Missing your family. And definitely the need to self-censor.
ReplyDeleteI went through something really awful the past two years and I couldn't talk about it with anyone really because no one I know has been through it or dealt with it. And I couldn't write about it because I made the choice to make my blog public and write under my real name and a boatload of people I know and don't know but who are my husband's friends read my blog. So, I self-censor a lot and I hate it.
But I still write.
I am thinking about starting another blog just to write all the things I can't tell anyone.
It may wind up being only one post, but at least I'll get it all off my chest without the cost of therapy.
Dawn,
ReplyDeleteI've been so seriously considering setting up an anonymous blog with an anonymous screen name. And maybe invite people to post anonymously as well, as a way of being able to write without involving everyone in their lives in the drama. I'll let you know...