An article in today's New York Times talked about how the pandemic has made mothers feel like failures. We lose our tempers and yell. We have run out of the ideas and the interest in making being at home "fun." We increasingly feel like, as parents, we are not doing right by our kids.
I know these feelings all too well, especially when it comes to Zeke. Josie has always been the resilient one. She rolls with the punches, she deals with the adversity. Now that she's back in school a couple of days a week, she is making friends and feeling connected to her world.
Zeke, on the other hand, struggles. He suffers. His energy and motivation are low. He seems depressed.
The pandemic lifestyle is so hard on kids. They feel isolated and bored and hopeless.
Yesterday he spent the bulk of his day in his room, either doing school remotely or playing videogames with his friends. I tried to encourage him to get outside and get some sun and exercise, but he wouldn't go.
"Why don't you go for a bike ride? You can go ride around the lake at City Park, or head down to Teller and see if anyone wants to play football or something."
"No, I don't want to."
"What about the trampoline?"
"It makes my Osgood-Schlatter hurt."
"Come on, honey. You need to get out and do something. It's not good to sit in your room all day."
He put his head down and shrugged.
Last night I went out for dinner with a friend of mine. I was out for about two hours. When I came home at around 9:15, Zeke was asleep in bed.
He slept for 11 hours but still woke up tired and sluggish.
We had another argument about him needing to get up, about needing to do something other than sit around. I felt myself losing my temper. He accused me of yelling.
"Just leave me alone! Why are you always bothering me??"
"I have to. It's my job. I'm worried about you," I said.
"Why?"
"Because the way you're living is so unhealthy. You lie in your bed much of the day. You don't take good care of yourself. You have no energy."
He put his head down and shrugged. He knew I was right.
"Lying around because you're tired only makes you more tired. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but it's true. You have a beautiful, strong body. You're athletic. You're coordinated. But if you don't get more exercise, you're going to lose your muscle tone. Your heart and lungs won't be as strong. You won't feel good. And if you got more exercise you would have more energy."
He shrugged again.
A little while later I poked my head into his room. He was on a break from school and was texting with one of his friends.
"Mom, can I get a gaming PC?"
"I don't know. They're really expensive."
"I need a decent computer for school anyway."
This is true.
"You can take it out of my allowance."
I looked at him with skepticism. "That's a lot of damned allowance."
"I know."
"I'll think about it. Do some research and see if you can find any good deals."
He kept asking me about it. He found a really good one that was on sale. He does need a computer, both for school and otherwise.
I sat down, made a list, and handed it to him.
"Ok," I told him. "You can get it. And I'll take money out of your allowance. But you will also pay in labor."
"Ok," he said.
"You're pretty half-assed about chores. That will not be acceptable. You will make your bed, put away your clothes, clean up your messes, get up without a fuss, do your homework every day. All of the things on this list."
"Ok."
"You will also do laundry a couple of times a week and be responsible for dinner one night a week."
"Ok."
"And you will exercise at least 5 days a week. It can be whatever you want but you have to do something. Go for a bike ride. Go for a walk. Come skiing with me. Do a ride on the Peloton, even if it's just 15 or 20 minutes. Just do something."
"Ok."
"And you will always be nice to your mother."
"I will." And he gave me a hug.
A little while later I was working downstairs and he came down and asked to use the Peloton. So I set him up and adjusted the seat and started a 15 minute ride for him. I didn't tell him that often the shorter rides are super-intense.
He did the ride. "I want to do one of those every day," he said. "And lift weights."
"No problem," I said.
Later I heard the shower running, which made me happy because smelly teenagers always need a shower. Then I heard activity in his room.
"Mom, can I use the vacuum?"
"How much laundry detergent should I use?"
"Where are the garbage bags?"
He had energy. He moved with purpose. He seemed motivated.
I know it's only one day. But it's a day I'm not feeling like a failure, so I'll take it.
