Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Adventures in Online Dating: The Geezer Edition

I have dipped my toe into the online dating waters.  I started on a couple of different sites, but that was annoying and I found myself irritated by the prospect of trying to connect with someone, so I ditched the specialty sites (Eharmony (SOOO annoying) and JDate (not enough Jews in Denver, or at least none that I wanted to meet - pickins were slim)) and went to Old Reliable, a/k/a Match.com.

I've been on two dates so far, both Jewish, ironically.  The first guy was pleasant enough and we had a nice time at dinner, but there was no spark.  He was a bit persnickety and lacked a sense of adventure.  The second was a complete fucking tool - admitted that he had no interests, didn't really care about having friends, hated everything to do with the outdoors (when I talked about going hiking, he said, "so what does hiking entail, exactly?"), and admitted that he only cared about making money.

In the meantime, I would scroll through profiles and get "winks" and "faves" and receive messages from different guys.  Including an alarming number of men in their 60s.

My profile settings indicate that I'm interested in guys aged 40 through 55, but honestly, 55 would be a stretch.  He would have to be a George Clooney-esque 55 year old.  I'm really more interested in someone my own age, or within 3 or 4 years either way.  Bottom line, I want to be physically attracted to a guy, and most men in their late 50s or 60s aren't going to cut it.

Remember that episode of Sex and the City when Samantha was dating that really rich old guy, and was able to keep it together until one night after she was in bed with him, he got up to go to the bathroom or something and she got a full look at his flat, flabby, wrinkly old-man ass?  That's the stuff of nightmares for me.

The first older guy I heard from was 61.  He acknowledged that he was 6 years outside of my age range, but insisted that he was spry and athletic and that he could "run circles around" me.  I highly doubt it, but in any event based on his picture, I just didn't find him attractive at all.  There are older men who have that cool, distinguished-gentleman-but-still-sexy energy, and this guy was not one of those.  Sorry, dude.

This is from one of my favorite Louis CK bits about how
there really isn't someone for everyone.
So I responded and thanked him for his interest and his kind words, but that I felt that a 16 year age difference was more than I would be comfortable with.

He wrote me back with a lecture about how you never know if you like someone until you meet them, chastised me that he just wanted to meet for a drink, not marry me, and that his last girlfriend was younger than me and he ran circles around her (he does a lot of running in circles around people, apparently), so age shouldn't be an issue.

I wanted to respond by explaining that now I didn't want to meet him not because he was too old, but because he was an asshole, and that maybe the reason I didn't want to date a man 16 years older is because he'd have a tendency to treat me like a child who didn't know her own mind, as he had just done to me.  Or alternatively, I wanted to respond by telling him he could go piss up a rope.

But I said nothing and moved on.

The next day, I got a message from a 62 year old.  Again I told him he was too old for me, again he lectured me about being closed-minded.


Then I got a message from a guy who is 67.  Sixty-fucking-seven.  Twenty-two years older than me, and three years younger than my mother.  His kids are probably my age.

My mother suggested that I ask him if he has a son who is cute and single.  Heh.

At least he was polite when I told him I wasn't interested.

But there is hope!  I've been in communication with a couple of guys my age, and I've got a date. We're going sailing, which will be such a fun, lovely respite from the shit-show that my life has been for the past week and a half.  Maybe we'll click, maybe we won't, but it won't suck to drink wine on a boat with a smart, funny guy.


  1. I love reading dating stories. I think I could go out with a much older guy but truly he'd have to have exceptional charisma. Nick is the oldest man I've ever gone out with. :) But it doesn't surprise me that they're waving away your concerns about age. Also, as you know, they should just be graceful about your thanks but no thanks. Arguing with you about wanting to go out with them doesn't make their case.

    And finally, wine on a boat with a smart, funny guy sounds fabulous. I am glad you have this to look forward to! You know his last name and details and that he's definitely not an axe murderer, yes?

    1. Yes. He's a lawyer with a successful solo practice. Axe murdering could jeopardize his law license.

  2. Anonymous5:30 AM

    What happened with this guy??
    Hi Wendy, it's me Jen from your Cyprus days. :) I still love your site. You're an awesome writer and I am always amazed at how similar our reactions to things are! Hang WAY in there you tough sexy broad. I hope to make it to Denver one of these days... jen