Saturday, June 20, 2015

If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar, a hoper, a pray-er, a magic-bean-buyer...

After three hours in the indoor water park, replete with water slides and lazy rivers and tubing, we were on our way home to get some lunch and have a nap.  I looked behind me to give the kids a "come on, let's keep moving" when I noticed them leaning over a wall with their hands in a little fountain on the other side.  I realized they were rummaging for the coins people had thrown in there.

"Look, Mama, I have money!" Josie exclaimed.

"Honey, you need to put that back."

"Why?  People left it there."

"I know, but they left it in there to make wishes."

She looked confused.

"Sometimes people make wishes and throw coins in fountains because they think it helps make the wishes come true," I explained.

"That's stupid," she said.

"Is it?"

"Yes.  Wishes never come true," she said emphatically.

"Never?  I don't know, I think some wishes come true," I offered.

"No, they don't.  Mine never do."

"Really? Never?"

"No.  I keep wishing for a pet baby elephant, and I never get one."

I guess by those standards, she's right.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Adventures in Online Dating: The Geezer Edition

I have dipped my toe into the online dating waters.  I started on a couple of different sites, but that was annoying and I found myself irritated by the prospect of trying to connect with someone, so I ditched the specialty sites (Eharmony (SOOO annoying) and JDate (not enough Jews in Denver, or at least none that I wanted to meet - pickins were slim)) and went to Old Reliable, a/k/a

I've been on two dates so far, both Jewish, ironically.  The first guy was pleasant enough and we had a nice time at dinner, but there was no spark.  He was a bit persnickety and lacked a sense of adventure.  The second was a complete fucking tool - admitted that he had no interests, didn't really care about having friends, hated everything to do with the outdoors (when I talked about going hiking, he said, "so what does hiking entail, exactly?"), and admitted that he only cared about making money.

In the meantime, I would scroll through profiles and get "winks" and "faves" and receive messages from different guys.  Including an alarming number of men in their 60s.

My profile settings indicate that I'm interested in guys aged 40 through 55, but honestly, 55 would be a stretch.  He would have to be a George Clooney-esque 55 year old.  I'm really more interested in someone my own age, or within 3 or 4 years either way.  Bottom line, I want to be physically attracted to a guy, and most men in their late 50s or 60s aren't going to cut it.

Remember that episode of Sex and the City when Samantha was dating that really rich old guy, and was able to keep it together until one night after she was in bed with him, he got up to go to the bathroom or something and she got a full look at his flat, flabby, wrinkly old-man ass?  That's the stuff of nightmares for me.

The first older guy I heard from was 61.  He acknowledged that he was 6 years outside of my age range, but insisted that he was spry and athletic and that he could "run circles around" me.  I highly doubt it, but in any event based on his picture, I just didn't find him attractive at all.  There are older men who have that cool, distinguished-gentleman-but-still-sexy energy, and this guy was not one of those.  Sorry, dude.

This is from one of my favorite Louis CK bits about how
there really isn't someone for everyone.
So I responded and thanked him for his interest and his kind words, but that I felt that a 16 year age difference was more than I would be comfortable with.

He wrote me back with a lecture about how you never know if you like someone until you meet them, chastised me that he just wanted to meet for a drink, not marry me, and that his last girlfriend was younger than me and he ran circles around her (he does a lot of running in circles around people, apparently), so age shouldn't be an issue.

I wanted to respond by explaining that now I didn't want to meet him not because he was too old, but because he was an asshole, and that maybe the reason I didn't want to date a man 16 years older is because he'd have a tendency to treat me like a child who didn't know her own mind, as he had just done to me.  Or alternatively, I wanted to respond by telling him he could go piss up a rope.

But I said nothing and moved on.

The next day, I got a message from a 62 year old.  Again I told him he was too old for me, again he lectured me about being closed-minded.


Then I got a message from a guy who is 67.  Sixty-fucking-seven.  Twenty-two years older than me, and three years younger than my mother.  His kids are probably my age.

My mother suggested that I ask him if he has a son who is cute and single.  Heh.

At least he was polite when I told him I wasn't interested.

But there is hope!  I've been in communication with a couple of guys my age, and I've got a date. We're going sailing, which will be such a fun, lovely respite from the shit-show that my life has been for the past week and a half.  Maybe we'll click, maybe we won't, but it won't suck to drink wine on a boat with a smart, funny guy.