Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Say my name, say my name

In response to my dream post, a friend of mine with whom I went to school in Israel offered the following interpretation:
The first dream was that you, in real life, needed to get past something you felt unprepared to move past.  The realization in the dream that you have your degrees and don't need to take the test is your subconscious realizing you are ready to take that step, or have taken it and now need to reassure yourself you can do it.
The second dream is connected and I wonder if it started after the first dream changed [It did.]  The rooms and hallways going on and on IS a representation of limitless possibilities in reality and the fact that you find it delightful rather than daunting is another sign you are read to take the steps you realized you are ready for in the first dream. 
Gee, I wonder what steps I'm ready to take that I previously felt unprepared for?  Duh.

J and I have been maintaining the status quo, living together while we wait to refinance the house (so I can buy him out) and have a little extra cash to make the separation easier, but this feeling of being in limbo is beginning to bug. We've taken the initial step - the decision to split up - but I want to keep going, and there are steps I can take to keep the momentum going:  start separating our finances to make the eventual total separation easier, start drafting a separation agreement setting out custody, division of property, etc., and go back to using my own name.

The truth is, before we got married, I had no intention of taking J's last name - I like the last name I was born with, I identified with my family roots, and I was already practicing law and a number of the federal court cases I had litigated were published with that name.  Most of my married friends didn't take their husbands' names, and I just didn't see the point.

But then after we were married, I changed my mind, for reasons I don't really remember now.

And it's a good, strong name with a solid "all American" feel to it (even though J's an Aussie).  There's nothing wrong with his name.

Except that it isn't mine.  It isn't me.

It's much easier to do the name change in conjunction with a divorce decree, so I'm going to wait until we make it official.  But in any unofficial capacity, I'm going to go back to my given family name (I hate the expression "maiden" name - it sounds antiquated and stupid to me).  I already changed it on Facebook (and if it's on Facebook, it's really real, amirite?), I'm going to change my email and my Beachbody coaching profile and everything else that doesn't require a court order or a social security card.

I'm going to keep walking through those hallways and those doors, taking all the steps I'm ready to take.

1 comment:

  1. For some reason I didn't see you dream post (have since gone back and read it -- and I would LOVE to see that movie!)...But wanted to say I had wondered about the name change issue in your case. Because of course Wendy Jacobs is always how I will think of you. But Armstrong, for a coach, is an interesting combo! Rooting for you, whatever you decide xxxxx