Sunday, May 18, 2014

Gonna build a mountain and a daydream, gonna make 'em both come true

Ever since J and I made the decision to split up (and indeed, well before then, when I knew I wanted it to happen), there have been two things that I think about a lot.  What will it be like getting back into the dating world?  And what will it be like having so much more time to myself, when the kids are with J?

The first question makes me nervous.  On the one hand, I definitely would like to meet someone that I can have a healthy relationship with.  I'm ready for romance, for conversation with someone with common interests, for the empathy and understanding that someone with common life experiences and background can bring.

One of the most fundamental problems J and I have is that, except for the children, we have nothing in common.  Our cultures, the type and manner of education we received, our family upbringings, our basic interests and desires, could not be more dissimilar.* We had great chemistry when we met, and I guess I was seduced by the notion that opposites attract and that we could overcome our differences.  That the love and happiness I had grown up with could fix the fact that his upbringing was so unhappy, filled with the kind of violence and fear and fucked-up family dynamics that I can't even comprehend.

In the end, our differences, and his demons, were too much to overcome.

Which is not to say that I will seek out only Jewish intellectuals who enjoy opera, bluegrass, literature and the outdoors.  Some differences are good - differences keep things interesting and allow for growth.  But for a relationship to work, there have to be some common frames of reference.

But I'm scared.  As exciting and fun as it can be to meet new people, it also means the risk of hurt feelings and unrequited attraction.  Worrying about whether he'll call.

It plays into the most basic insecurities - what if nobody likes me?  what if I really am a bitch-faced asshole troll?  what if the reason it didn't work out with J is that I'm unlovable and unworthy?

As for having more time to myself, I'm actually really excited about that part.  I love spending time with my children - I'm a responsible and attentive mother.  But I'm also excited about having time to spend with friends, or to go to happy hours or museums that the kids wouldn't be interested in.  Taking impromptu weekend trips with friends, or by myself.

I'm still in limbo.  It will probably be late summer before J moves out of the house and we separate for real.  Once again, I'm living two lives - the one I'm in, and the one in my head, when all of this new and exciting stuff gets to happen.  But it will happen, and when it does, I'll be ready.

*Again, I want to reiterate that I am not talking J down.  My point is simply that we are so fundamentally different in so many ways that it made finding common ground upon which to build a life exceedingly difficult.

1 comment:

  1. Just wrote a long comment and now its gone! GRRRRRR!!! In short, knock 'em dead, lady love!