Friday, April 20, 2012

The Rant, and Why

She's leaving in three days, so I really should be very Zen about the whole thing at this point.  But I'm finding myself increasingly agitated these days about MIL.

I started noticing that though my children liked having her around at first, lately they've been avoiding her.  I think it's because she projects no strength or authority or anything that would make people want to listen to her.  One of them will ask for a cup of milk, and instead of just getting it for them (if she's up - I certainly don't expect her to wait on them), she'll ask in a simpering voice, "would you like Ma to get it for you?"  And something in them bristles, and they'll say, "no, I want Mama to get it." 

It's annoying, and something that, if they said it to me, I'd say, "here's your cup of milk.  You can drink it or not, but you don't get to choose who pours it." 

But she just says, "oh, all right," and doesn't push the issue and allows herself to look like a doormat.

And they tend to ignore her when she's talking, because she's always fucking talking.  About nothing.  Just a silly, running commentary that most of the time requires no response, so they just tune it out.

I know I should be furious at their rudeness toward a grandparent, and I do say things like, "Ma asked you a question, you need to answer her."  But inside, I get it and it fuels my own ire.

Because that weakness, that lack of gumption, that unwillingness to ever make waves, that utter uselessness as a person, was what resulted in my husband being horribly beaten and abused as a young child by her monster of an alcoholic husband (his stepfather), and she didn't do a fucking thing about it.  Didn't stop it.  Didn't leave.  Didn't get the kids out of the house to go live with someone else. 

Didn't call the cops or kill the motherfucker, which what I would have done.  Particularly since having children of my own, I can say with complete confidence that if anyone I was with abused either of my kids, that person would be either in jail or dead. 

But MIL just let it go on for YEARS.  It only ended when J's older brother got big enough to stand up for himself and put the asshole's head through a wall.  But J was younger, and smaller, and totally terrified of getting in trouble if he said or did anything.

This has had, predictably, permanent effects on him, and on our marriage.  I am now attempting to pick up the pieces that she let fall, because she didn't do the one thing that is every mother's primary responsibility towards her children -- protect them until they are able to protect themselves.

And for that, I hate her.

8 comments:

  1. That last sentence made me cry. I would hate her too.

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    1. I'm cried out at this point. Now I'm just bitter.

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  2. adlksdlkfjdjf (head smashing keyboard) I am enraged for you!!

    I cannot understand parents like this. I don't even have kids, but was blessed to have parents that I know would die and/or murder for me without hesitation. Your kids are incredibly lucky to have the both of you, and I am impressed with your patience. Soon soon soon you'll have your house back. And less ragey things is a good thing.

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    1. Thank you, my friend. Two more days...

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  3. Wish I were closer and we could have drinks over this, because I think we could go on for HOURS. I deal with the same thing with my own mother. I might have forgiven her for not stopping our abuse and not leaving, but I don't forget. And I abhor zebras. They must be eaten.

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    1. I didn't know that. Big hugs to you, and drinks are definitely in order. XXOO

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  4. J. Lucas6:54 PM

    Was she abused as a child? If so, that would help me find compassion in my heart.

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    1. Nope. She just ended up useless on her own.

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Nu?