Thursday, September 09, 2010

TMI Thursday: Naked in a room with strangers

I know Lilu isn't doing her TMI Thursday segment anymore, but I had this post swirling around in my head and it's Thursday, so why not?

I've been getting a lot of massages lately.

I've been doing Insanity since the beginning of August, and it's six days a week of crazy hard workouts.  It's intense and difficult and results in much soreness and exhaustion.  And around the time I started the program, I signed up for a couple of Groupon-type email services that send you coupons for different local services like restaurants and carpet cleaning and spa treatments.  Lots and lots of spa treatments.  Every week I get at least two offers for discounts on things like mani-pedis and facials and massages.  So I decided to try to use them to get a massage at least once a week.

It's been great.  It's relaxing and therapeutic and rejuvenates my muscles so that I can keep up with the workouts.

This week the workouts ramp up to a higher level of intensity.  As hard as I thought the first month was, month two is ridiculous.  The workouts are longer and everything is just more.  More jumping, more crazy combinations of push-ups and sprints and squats and punches, more time.  So I'm burning an assload of calories and my muscles are screaming and I'm sore and tired.

And did I mention the push-ups?  Jesus H.  Christ on a fucking breadstick.  Endless push-ups, and in more varieties than I thought possible.  Moving push-ups, side push-ups, push-up jacks, push-ups push-ups push-ups push-ups.

So even though it was only Wednesday, and my rest day isn't until Sunday, my pectoral muscles and arms were killing me and I knew I needed some relief.  A friend of mine owns a massage school and his son just finished his training and is looking to start up his business and build a clientele, so he's doing in-home massages for a great discount.  So I scheduled 90 minutes for last night.

Now, one of the things about massage that always strikes me is the level of trust involved.  Every week, I go to a strange place where I meet someone I've never met before, and I take off all of my clothes and this strange person puts on some music and rubs their hands all over my body for an hour or two.  Or a stranger comes to my house and I take off all my clothes and this strange person puts on some music and then rubs their hands all over my body for an hour or two.

Either way, it's a lot of nakedness and rubbing and strangers.

And the trust has to go both ways.  I trust that the therapist will respect boundaries and keep the sheet strategically placed and not be an axe murderer or a serial rapist.  And he or she has to trust that I will likewise respect boundaries and not make an inappropriate pass or request and not be an axe murderer or a rapist and that I will pay the right amount when the service is rendered.

Last night my friend's son did a phenomenal job.  He really paid attention to the areas that needed work, was very thorough and professional, and played great music.

As I lay there on the table, naked except for a thin sheet, with a young man with big, strong hands working me over, I felt the good pain of sore muscles stretching and relaxing and releasing lactic acid.  But then the relaxation brought on some gurgling in my belly.  A build-up of gas.

Oh dear god, I thought.  Please.  Please don't let me fart in the face of this cute young boy whose dad is my friend from high school and whom I see socially.  Please.

In the end, with much effort and difficulty, I didn't.



  1. Oh, that trying not to fart must totally have detracted from relaxing! Yay you with the sphincter control!

  2. It was difficult. But then it just went back whereever farts that aren't allowed out go. Thank goodness.

  3. Too funny! I would have been distracted by that.

  4. OMG that has totally happened to me before!!

    As you know, I prosecute professional licensing violations and one of the licensing boards I cover is massage. I handle all the cases where the lines are crossed. Luckily, it hasn't yet ruined my ability to enjoy a massage. Yet. (pedicures are a different story after handling a large case involving a fake beauty school)

  5. Ha! Suz, when I first read your comment, I thought to myself, holy shit, they prosecute people for farting during massages?? Then I read the rest and came to my senses. But it was worth a chuckle. And I bet the therapists would be in favor!

  6. Theresa8:00 PM

    Too funny! I won't do it justice, but my cousin from the Bronx was once saved by the accent - her son's future father-in-law, a chiropractor, had an embarrassing bit of information about her - at the wedding, he whispered to the bride, "look, there's the farter," to which she replied, "no, that's the mother."

  7. Theresa - hahahahaha!!! Love it.

  8. OMG I just laughed so loud at my desk!! If I had to prosecute people for farting, I would find a new job!