Monday, September 06, 2010

I'm a big old softie, apparently. Who knew?

I feel like I should save a post like this for her birthday, but whatever.  I am lately overwhelmed by my love for my daughter.  She's so funny and sweet and gorgeous and snugly and giggly and mellow and wonderful. 

I remember when I was first pregnant with Zeke, and the day we found out he was a boy.  I was mildly disappointed because I thought I really wanted a girl, but then he was born and he was so awesome and it didn't matter.  Then when I was pregnant with Josie, I was convinced that I was having another boy.  And I had myself convinced that another boy was what I wanted, and was a bit ambivalent when we found out it was a girl.  Because girls are difficult and emotional and manipulative.

I'm such a dumbshit.

Honestly, I can't even deal with how much I adore Josie.  And it's not just that I love her.  Of course I do, just as I'm crazy about Zeke.  But I look at her and I see her in 10 years and 20 years and 30 years, seeing her experiencing all of the things that growing up and getting out into the world entails.  It makes me ache with hope for her.

I was talking to her today, sitting with her in the rocking chair as she chilled out in my arms getting ready for a nap.  She was all relaxed, looking up at me, feeling comfortable and drowsy and trusting of her mama.  And I was telling her about all of the exciting things she could do when she grows up.  Become a scientist or a doctor or an explorer or a musician, traveling the world and having adventures and living richly.

She just smiled at me as I talked, happy to be lying there and listening to the sound of my voice.

Then later we were over at Kathleen and Rich's for a barbecue, and the song "See the World" came on.  That song is something of an anthem for Kathleen's family, and always brings up fond memories of a ski trip we took to North Carolina back when I was first pregnant with Zeke.  The song always seemed to be playing in the background, and Kathleen and Rich's daughters would dance and sing to it.  So the song feels like family and happiness to me.

Today when I heard the song again, I was holding Josie.  I looked at her and hugged her and said, "Josie, this song is what I want for you.  Go out and see the world.  Experience everything it has to offer.  Find great, passionate love.  Have your heart broken.  Do things that scare you.  Have adventures.  Push yourself to achieve greatness."

I held her close.  She smiled and said, "da da da da."

"And call me every day," I whispered.

Then I burst into tears.


  1. Susan9:54 AM

    as did I when I read it.

  2. me, too, you stinker.

    It's a great thing to want for your children. And the Gomez song is one of my favorites.

    May they grab the dream and run with it.

  3. Aw, I wasn't trying to make everyone cry.