Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The cuteness is an evolutionary tool to keep them alive.

Yesterday I was talking to my brother Sam.  Just a general catch up type of call, hey how's it going, what's going on with you, I talked to Mom, she's on her way to from Bishkek to Delhi, we had dinner with the cousins, they said they saw you in New York last week, blah blah.  And of course, the talk turns to the kids.

The kids are doing many amusing things these days, so I always have a funny story or two to tell.  The one currently in rotation involves Zeke's irritation with J and me over our insistence that, from time to time, we get to watch what we want on the TV that we bought and paid for.  Last week, after Zeke had had his chance to watch at least one or two episodes of Diego and an episode of Elmo, we put on a football game.

"Mama, I want to watch Dora."

"No, honey, you already got to watch your shows.  Now Daddy and I are going to watch footy."*

"No, Mama, no!  I want to watch my show."

"You already watched your show.  Now it's our turn."

"No, Mama.  Don't say 'no' to me."

He continues in this vein.  J and I ignore him and watch the game.

He's quiet for a little while and plays with his trucks.  Then, in the kind of voice I usually reserve for the car, when I'm berating asshole drivers from the comfort and security of my own bucket seat, he says, "It's TIIIIME to SHAAAARE!  You need to SHAAAAARE with me!!!!"

J and I both have to bite our lips to keep from laughing.  We explain that we shared earlier, when he got to watch his shows, and now it's our turn.

He glowers, and periodically repeats his complaint in a classic Jewish-mother-nagging tone.  "You're not SHAARING!  Time to SHAAAARE the TV!"

We resist the urge to say, "everything about our entire fucking lives involves sharing with you, you little shit."

Sam and I laughed about this as I was recounting it, and he mentioned a Louis C.K. bit that he does about his four-year-old daughter; how he loves her like crazy, but she's an asshole.  Later he sent me a link.

It's a little jarring to hear someone talk about his or her kids this way, but when you think of it in terms of how you would react if an adult engaged in the kind of behaviors we tolerate in young children, it hits home.  They would be totally ostracized, if not homeless.  In any event, it's pretty damned funny.

(WARNING:  This clip is NSFW.  There is much gratuitous use of the word "fuck."  Even I, an unabashed fan of the word, was a bit taken aback.  Truth be told, I've never been a huge Louis C.K. fan because I find him unnecessarily vulgar and harsh.  But still, I defy you not to laugh, particularly if you have kids.)

*Yes, I have co-opted J's Aussie-ism for "football."


  1. Listening with earphones in my cube. Hilarious. Totally horrendously hilarious.

  2. I know. The bit about how the baby is probably nice, but who knows, maybe she hates Jews, totally cracks me up.

  3. Dyingggggg! Too funny!