The mountains are calling and I must go

 A friend of mine recently turned me on to Ken Burns's documentary series about the national parks (it's great). The first episode talks a lot about John Muir (whose quote is the title of this post), and how he viewed the wildness of nature not so much as evidence of god, but rather as an actual church through which the divine is manifested. I'm not a religious person, but I really relate to that idea - that my spiritual connection with the world feels the strongest when I'm out in nature.

Maybe that's why after Emma died, my instinct was to spread her ashes from the top of a tall mountain. Rather than attend Rosh haShana services, I chose that day to celebrate her by climbing a mountain - in my blog post about it, I said it would "certainly be a more meaningful, spiritual experience than sitting in a synagogue with strangers." 

It's what compels me to keep going back every year.  

Technically, the yahrtzeit ritual involves the lighting of a candle on the anniversary of a person's death. But lighting candles is child's play. Anyone can do it. The greater commitment is to honor someone through a difficult but life-affirming act - doing something hard, something that is sometimes uncomfortable, that requires you to dig deep within yourself. And doing it out in nature gives it that spiritual element - that connection with the divine, whatever that may be.

That's what yesterday felt like. 

It was a spectacularly beautiful day. Clear air (a welcome respite from the wildfire haze), with the kind of blue sky that you only see in Colorado in the fall. We arrived at the trailhead in the dark and started walking, and after about thirty minutes the sun started to come up. The light peeking up over the mountains was magical.

Parts of the walk were not easy. It's not a long climb in terms of distance - only 2.5 miles - but in that short space is 2100 vertical feet of elevation.. There were sections that were insanely steep without many switchbacks to level out the effort. We moved through those sections slowly but deliberately, less concerned with our pace than with simply enjoying the hike and our conversation. 

But then there were sections that were flatter, or that involved some bouldering or walking along an extremely narrow ridgeline. It kept things interesting. 

Yikes.

The views at the top were amazing. 

Leadville off in the distance

We reached the summit at about 9:30, having made pretty good time even with a number of stops to eat or pee or rest. After drinking my Arnold Palmer (I always carry a bottle to drink at the top), I sat on the edge of the ridge to perform my ritual of reading the names and saying the Kaddish. I had 78 names on my list, including Leonard Cohen, who was added at Greg's request. 

I had forgotten to print out the Kaddish but I had cell signal at the summit, so I pulled it up on my phone. 

Christin surreptitiously snapped a picture. 

We sat and talked about Emma for a while. Christin asked me what she was like, and I talked about how she was funny and sweet and kind. How she faced her recovery after her accident with such strength and determination. How much we all loved her. As always, it made me cry. 

But then I dried my eyes and marveled at the view and the gorgeous weather and at how great we both felt. We talked about how we are happiest and most connected to life when we are outside and moving our bodies, and how lucky we are to live where we live.

The walk down was mellow and fun. We chatted with fellow climbers, petted some dogs, said hi to some little kids. 

Driving back to town for our post-hike meal of nachos and beer, the fall colors that we couldn't admire during our nighttime drive to the trailhead were in full view. We kept slowing down or stopping to take pictures. 

Mother Nature shows off.

The world is such a beautiful place. I wish Emma could have lived to continue to experience it. 

But I'm doing what little I can to honor her by experiencing it for her. 

Go shorty, it's your birthday

 My dearest darling Josephine,

This morning I woke up and found that you had crawled into bed with me during the night. I snuggled up close to you and brushed your hair away from your face and started to sing, "happy birthday to youuu..."

Without opening your eyes, you smiled and put your hand on my cheek. 

"Happy birthday, twelve-year-old girl! Do you want to hear the story of the day your were born?"

You nodded, so I told you about getting to the hospital super early and how lovely and peaceful your birth was. Then we got up and picked up Starbucks for the car pool group and drove to school with the other girls, playing birthday songs (everything from the Beatles to 50 Cent) and gossiping about teachers in your school. 

Today is a good day. 

This year has been hit or miss. 

Being 11 was not easy for you. COVID school sucked so much - you were miserable. You felt stupid and overwhelmed and like you couldn't focus on anything. 

Plus ... you were 11. Being an eleven-year-old girl is awful. Your body is changing, your hormones are flooding, you're going through developmental changes that basically render you clinically insane. 

Let's just say that your hair-trigger temper was even more hair-trigger-y than normal. 

But you're still my sweet, funny girl. It's like living with an improv comedian who is always on stage. Crazy voices, sassiness, riffing different scenarios. You always make me laugh.

This school year is off to a much better start. You have good friends, you like your classes, and you're getting good grades. You're much happier.

You've become very interested in fashion and in what you wear. You and your grandmother recently had a virtual shopping trip together and you picked out a bunch of new pieces. Mimi was concerned about the quality and fit of some of the things, but you made good choices. 

You're so cute. 

But note the shoes. Which are mine. Which I did not give you permission to take. 

This is a thing you do and it drives me absolutely insane. I will walk into your room, which is never not a disgusting mess, and see my black suede high heeled boots. 

"Why do you have my boots?"

"They're stripper boots. They're awesome. I like wearing them."

"They're not stripper boots. The heels aren't even that high. And they don't have lucite platforms."

You take my shoes, my shirts, my photographs, my sweatshirts, my makeup. It drives me insane. 

As you know, there are two things that truly send me into orbit. The first is when people grab things out of my hands. The other is when I put something away in the same place every time, but can't find it because some little turkey - i.e., you - has taken it without asking.  

But this is a teenage mother-daughter thing I will have to deal with, and I will. We have may battles and many joys yet to come. 

I can't wait. 

I love you to the moon and back.

Love love love,

Mom

There's no crying on the Wall

 It was the night before that the anxiety started to hit me. 

And it was totally unexpected. I was the one who had heard about the via ferrata up the East Wall at Arapahoe Basin and jumped at the chance. I had read up on it, made sure I had all the gear, and was more and more excited as the day approached.

We made a weekend of it up in Dillon. On Saturday, we strolled down by the marina. We went for a beautiful hike near Breckenridge. We went to the amphitheater to see Galactic, a great band from New Orleans.

But later, as we were getting ready to turn in for the night, I felt a knot in my stomach that felt less like excitement and more like fear.

It didn't let up the next morning. We got dressed, got breakfast, and headed to A-Basin, and my palms felt sweaty and my stomach and chest were tight. 

As we walked from the car to the check-in area, I grabbed Greg's hand like I was holding on for dear life.

By the time we were introduced to our guide, I was getting choked up.

"I'm very, very nervous," I told him. 

He was very reassuring. "It's totally safe," he said. "You're clipped in to the line the entire time and we're with you every step of the way."

Intellectually, I knew what he was saying was true, but my body and my brain were not having it. I went outside to sit by myself and calm down. 

Greg came out a minute later and sat down next to me. He looked at me quizzically, with a slight smile on his face.

"What's going on with you?"

"I don't know!" I sniffed. I wasn't crying hard, but tears were leaking out of my eyes.

"Are you afraid?"

"Honestly, no," I said. "I don't know why I'm reacting this way. I know that I will have no trouble physically. I am not remotely afraid of heights. I know it will be fun and that I will love it."

"So what's the problem?"

"I don't know. Fear of the unknown, I guess? I've never done anything like this so I don't know what to expect - I don't have a sense of what it will be like. I'll be fine. It will pass. Give me a minute."

He nodded, patted me on the knee, and went back inside. I took a couple of deep breaths, calmed down, and stopped crying. I went back in where everyone was getting ready, putting on their harnesses and helmets.

By the time we got on the chair lift to head up to the start of the climb, I was happy and excited. No trace of fear. I was ready.

As anticipated, the climb was a blast. It was more exposed than I anticipated, but it felt amazing to climb higher and higher up the rock. The other folks in our group were fun and the views were amazing.

The big bummer was that there were were reports of lightening in the region, so we had to turn back at the half-way point. They graciously gave us the option for a credit or a do-over (they didn't have to do either one under their policy, so we were stunned when they did). Without hesitation, we opted for the do-over.

Before our second try a couple of weeks ago, Greg said, "no tears allowed this time."

I laughed and said, "got it."

And once again, we rocked it, making it all the way to the summit. 

Greg likes taking pictures of my butt

In the home stretch on the way to the summit

Laughing at the summit.

I'm convinced that part of the reason we had such a perfect day, weather-wise, is because this time I remembered to wear my A-Basin East Wall Grateful Dead shirt (last time it was my Dead & Co. concert shirt - it's the little things). 

And because the older I get, the more I realize that Colorado is the perfect place for me to live. Adventures abound, which is just how I like it.

Seven years

It has been seven years since that awful, awful day, when Emma was killed and an emotional nuclear bomb blew up our family. I still vividly remember everything about getting that phone call - the shock  and devastation are burned into my brain. Thinking about the ensuing months when we were all sad and wrung out and gritting our teeth, just trying to get through it, still gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Time does make it easier - the grief is not as raw, not as close to the surface. But it settles in and just becomes a part of you. It affects your attitudes, the way you interact with the world, how you look at your life. 

Though I am loathe to ever acknowledge anything about her death as a "positive," I do think that going through that grief has made me stronger. Kinder. More patient. A greater sense of perspective. 

I thought it would make me more fearful as a parent - that I would want to cover my kids in bubble wrap so that nothing would ever happen to them. Actually, the opposite is true. I want them to take chances and have adventures and experience everything. 

But I remind them of what it would do to me and their father and everyone else if they died. 

When we were at the beach, Zeke was swimming in the pool and a lightening storm was rolling in. I told him to get out of the pool, and he was resistant.

"Mom, it'll be fine. Nothing's going to happen. The odds of anything bad happening are so low."

"That may be true," I responded, "but it's not a big deal to get out of the pool for 20 minutes while you wait for a storm to pass. You know that I am not a fearful person and that I generally play the odds when it comes to risk assessment, but if something awful were to happen, I couldn't deal with the fact that it was 100% preventable. This family cannot handle another dead child."

When I said those words, he understood me. He nodded quietly, got out of the pool, and gave me a hug. 

Josh called me the other day just to talk. The time leading up to the anniversary is anxiety producing for everyone, but for him most of all (obviously). We talked about life, which is pretty good for both of us. We talked about our children, who are beautiful and wonderful and thriving. We talked about what everyone experienced in the aftermath of Emma's death and then Lori's death, and how it shaped them. 

I still can't fathom how he found the strength to keep going - not just keep going, but to really live. To experience happiness and love and satisfaction in the trajectory of his life. 

A couple of weeks ago the kids and I went to a local lake to have an end of summer beach day. I was sitting in the chair under the canopy and looked at Josie, who was eating garbage-y snacks and being sassy and joking around. She is funny and sweet and gorgeous - tan, taller than I am, beautiful long legs. 

I was immediately hit with the thought of, "what if I were to lose her, the way Josh lost Emma?" My chest tightened and I inhaled sharply as tears filled my eyes. It's incomprehensible. 

But I don't let that kind of thinking consume me. I can't. It's bad for me and it's bad for them. They need to feel free to go out into the world without being afraid. 

 She would be 24 now.  A fully formed adult. What would she be like? What would she be doing? 

In two weeks, we'll do the yahrtzeit climb, honoring her and so many others. I love the ritual that it has become. 

Tomorrow I am climbing the via ferrata along the east wall of Arapahoe Basin (again). Greg and I climbed it last month, and it was amazing. Seriously so much fun. But we had had to turn back half-way because of storms in the area. They gave us rainchecks, so we're doing it again tomorrow. 

I will say the Kaddish at the summit, for her and also for everyone lost on 9/11. There's something wonderful and moving about being on top of the world and sending blessings out into the universe. 

But today, I will mourn and weep and miss her.