Twenty-three

My dear Emma,

Happy birthday. You would have been twenty-three years old today.

I've been thinking about you so much lately.

I've been thinking about everything, actually. We're stuck at home in a global pandemic. There's a lot of time to think.

I think about how quickly life goes by.

When I turned twenty-three I was in my second year of law school. I knew nothing about anything. I didn't know what kind of law I wanted to practice.  I didn't know where I wanted to live. I didn't know what I wanted my life to look like. I was totally making shit up as I went along.

And now suddenly I'm 50. I barely know how I got here.

After your accident when you were twelve, you always seemed to have a greater sense of purpose than I've ever had in my life. You had almost died, and then you struggled to recover, and I think it gave you a focus on living deliberately that was mature beyond your years.

It's a focus that would have served you well right now. People are struggling with how to live - how safe is safe enough? How much risk is too much risk?

At a certain point we have to recognize that life is for the living and it's time to get on with it. You've gotta die of something. You knew that. And you were taken too soon anyway.

I was looking through old pictures and I found this one from Thanksgiving of 2008. Only one person is left - Leo is gone, you're gone, your mom is gone.

I want to get back to living. I don't want to stagnate in my house, afraid to live because I'm afraid to die. The truth is, I'm not afraid to die.

It's hard to imagine what you would have been doing now. Out of college, yes. Grad school? Traveling? Following some calling? Being a surf bum? A ski bum? A responsible working professional?

Like most twenty-three-year-olds, you probably would have been clueless and trying to figure out how to be a grown-up, not realizing at the time that most of us never really figure that out. But I feel like you would have had a better sense than most.

It would have been fun to get to know you as an adult.

I miss you and I love you. We all do, with all our hearts.

Wendy