Happy Baby

There's a yoga asana called Happy Baby that's a great way to stretch out your back and relax, particularly at the end of a long workout. In addition to being physically soothing, I also find it spiritually soothing.

If there was ever a day I needed Happy Baby, it was today.

Today the depression hit me hard. As I've discussed numerous times, I suffer from clinical depression, and it's something that is with me pretty much always. I take medication for it, but I still have occasional cycles of despair that I can only chalk up to my internal wiring.

Of course, there is such a thing as situational depression as well, and the stress of our current situation tends to bring on days when I have an inordinately hard time getting out of bed, and even when I do drag my ass up, I spend much of the day crying or feeling utterly despondent. Maybe the clinical depression makes me particularly susceptible to reacting badly to a rough situation. I don't know.

Anyway, on days when this happens, I'll feel shitty all day, and then out of the blue, my head will clear and the feeling will pass, or at least mostly pass. I can at least function, or change out of my pajama bottoms and leave the house.

I was a wreck today. I couldn't shake the feeling that I'm a big fat loser who has failed at everything she has ever done, who has made nothing but shitty decisions and who is now reaping the consequences of those shitty decisions.

So I moped around and did a little bit of work, but couldn't get into it. And I slept some. And I spend a large chunk of time watching the coverage leading up to the VP debate, and then the debate itself.

And then Jason came home from picking up Zeke at school. And in addition to feeling cheerier because my son lights up like the sun the minute he sees me, his daily progress report said this:

Zeke had a wonderful day. He took a long nap and woke up very happy. He played with his friends. He sure likes to talk alot, to caregivers and friends. He's also trying to walk - he takes two - three steps and then gets happy and claps. He is a very happy baby!

And it's true. He is. We play with him and read to him and sing to him and there's alot of laughing and giggling in the house, on everybody's part. I can honestly say that whatever fucked up negativity I've got swirling around in my head, I'm raising a happy baby.

And that's not an insignificant accomplishment.