A plea to help preserve my sanity

Dear Pfizer:

Congratulations on your success with Viagra. Really, it's great. I remember when the product first came out over ten years ago, and how much buzz there was, particularly because of the windfall that was going to rain down on the heads of people that owned your stock. Kudos to all of them.

Since Viagra was introduced, it has unquestionably become a part of our national (and probably international) zeitgeist. It shows up in TV shows and movies. Late night chat show hosts make jokes about it. Insurance companies cover it for men who feel they need it. I guess I never realized that there was such an epidemic of "ED," but I'm certainly thrilled that the afflicted masses are once again happily tumescent (though not for more than 4 hours -- apparently that's bad).

My point is, it's out there, and everybody knows about it, and anybody who might feel the need for it knows where to go to get it.

Which brings me to my current request.

Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, please please please, take those horrible ads off my TV featuring groups of guys hanging out and enthusiastically jamming to a bastardized version of Elvis's "Viva Las Vegas." I often have political TV on in the background when I work, and I guess you're a big sponsor of MSNBC (and good for them, really), because multiple times a day, one of those ads comes on. And every time, I throw up in my mouth a little bit and have an overwhelming desire to stab my eyes and ears with stiff, hot pokers.

And it's not just because the adaptation of Elvis's song is a musical and lyrical abomination, or because the men are overwhelmingly creepy in their ebullience over their impending boners.

No, I'm mostly just embarrassed for the actors. Being a working actor -- a working stiff -- is tough. If you're hard up for work and looking for a steady gig, the royalties from a drug company ad are probably hard to pass up, even if it means making a monstrous ass of yourself and having that ass-iness broadcast from coast to coast for all to see. When I watch these guys, a part of me dies inside because I know that a part of them is dying inside as well.

I don't begrudge you your right to advertise, though given that your product is now to erectile dysfunction what Xerox is to photocopying, I'm not sure it's necessary. Hell, even ex-presidential candidates shill for you!! So I know there must be ways of getting the message out other than your "Viva Viagra" campaign (and seriously, I feel nauseated just typing those words). Levitra and Cialis have managed to developed advertising campaigns that don't make me want to commit hari kari (though I've never understood the point of Cialis's "admiring the pretty view from separate bathtubs" theme -- if you're going to have sex with someone, how do you do it from separate bathtubs? -- but I digress).

I don't mean to be overly rigid about this, but I must insist that you come up with a different campaign. But don't worry -- I have confidence that you can come up with something appropriate that's less vomit-inducing and less damaging to the self-esteem of all of those poor actors. You're Pfizer, after all! Of all the companies in the ED club, you're the leading member! You're solid, upstanding guys -- I know you can do it.

Thanks in advance. You'll be doing a massive service to me and everyone I know.

Love,
Wendy