Lurrve

There's a great scene in Annie Hall in which Annie (Diane Keaton) asks Alvy (Woody Allen) if he loves her. Alvy explains that the word "love" is inadequate to describe what he feels for her, so he needs to make up new words to describe it. He "luffs" her. He "lurrves" her.

That's how I feel about Zeke.

Before having a child, I didn't really understand the depth of love I would feel for my child. I knew I would love him, but like Alvy, I feel like "love" is inadequate to describe the feeling. What I feel for him is so powerful that it has physical manifestations, like a flutter in my gut and my chest.

It's kind of like depression.

That may sound like a weird analogy, but when people who have never felt depressed ask me what it's like when I'm in the midst of a depressive downward spiral, I explain that it's not so much just thinking things that are sad or depressing. It's physical. It's a big heavy iron ball in my chest, weighing me down. Like I need to take deep breaths but can't because my soul feels so leaden.

This past weekend I was putting Zeke to sleep. We were sitting in the rocker and he was very drowsy, so I put him in his crib. He lay there for a second, and then started to clap his hands and kick his legs and laugh. I sat down in the rocker again, hoping he wouldn't realize I was still there, but wanting to see what he would do. He popped his head up over the crib bumper and yelled "hah!" when he saw me, then started giggling. It was so cute and funny that I cracked up. He put his head down so that his view of me was obscured, then popped up again and yelled "hah!" again, and immediately guffawed this awesome belly laugh. We did this for another few minutes, and then finally I gave him a kiss and left the room, and he settled down and went to sleep.

And thus was our first official game of "peek-a-boo." It was so funny and wonderful that I almost started to cry from the wave of love/lurrve/luff that flowed through me.

I think about when he grows up and wonder what he'll be like and what he'll be interested in and where he'll live. It'll probably be far away from me. It breaks my heart to think of not being able to see him whenever I want.

I don't know how my parents do it. And I feel guilty for being so far away from them.