Adrift

I feel like I'm rattling around the house like a loose marble. Jason and Zeke left for Australia this morning, so I'm by myself for a week.

It feels very strange. My days are ordinarily so structured. I get up at around 5. Zeke wakes up at around 6:30. I take him and the dog for a stroll, then get Zeke dressed and take him to school. I get home at around 7:45, have some breakfast, and then settle in at my desk to do some work (or some blogging or some Scrabulous). I have something to eat at around 11:30. I take the dog for another walk. I do a little more work. I watch Countdown on MSNBC at 2 p.m. I do some cleaning. Jason gets home at around 4 and we head up to the daycare to pick up Zeke. We take the dog and the baby for another walk. We feed Zeke and take him outside to play with him for a little while. We give him a bath. We read stories, sing songs, and put him to bed. We have dinner, read or watch some TV, and go to sleep.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

For the next week, I don't have to wake up to feed anyone in the middle of the night, clean up after anyone else, cook for anyone else, bathe anyone else or do anyone else's laundry. I can go to the movies and not have to get a babysitter.

It sounds good in theory. I kept saying, "what am I going to do with myself all week while y'all are gone?" And Jason was all, "woooo, party!!" Like the minute he's out the door I'll be on the phone ordering some strippers with bottles of tequila tucked into their g-strings.

Um, have you met me, honey?

I'll probably spend the week by myself cleaning, painting and reading. I'll probably go surfing a couple of mornings. I'll sleep. I'll load up the top of my Netflix queue with all of the artsy movies Jason won't watch with me.

Which, again, sounds good in theory. But I love my husband and my baby. I love cleaning up the baby food that Zeke has catapulted off his spoon into my hair or onto the floor. I love singing him to sleep. I like watching crappy action movies with Jason while pretending to be disdainful of them. I love walking into Zeke's room first thing in the morning to find him clapping his hands and chattering to himself. When he sees me, he gives me this huge smile that makes me melt.

Time to myself is all well and good, but too much of it and I start to get a little crazy. Too much in my own head, which can be a scary place to be.

But it's only a week. I'll survive.

Now, where did I put that number for Chippendales.....