Comic relief from an unlikely source

Our house is, technically, a condo. The entire neighborhood is managed by an association to which we pay fees. In exchange for these fees, men with tools appear every so often to mow our front lawns, trim the bushes, and generally keep things tidy and neat.

In fact, our front lawns aren't even ours. The only land that any of us actually owns is the fenced yard behind each house -- everything else is considered common area, and we aren't allowed to mess with it. Even on what would logically appear to my front lawn, i.e., the grassy area directly in front of my house, I'm not allowed to mow or fertilize or plant or anything.

When we moved in, we brought a bunch of plants that Jason had been accumulating and nurturing. They were all in pots. Knowing that we weren't allowed to plant anything out front, we just set potted plants along the edges of the driveway and the front walkway.

One day, the property manager knocked on my door and asked me if I wanted his guys to plant our plants in the ground. I said, "sure." So he planted a couple of hibiscus bushes on the right of the driveway (in front of the entry gate) and some little ti leaf bushes on the left.

Because it's all common property, the plants are no longer really ours in a legal sense, but Jason continued to water them and tend to them. It was understood by all they were his.

Two days ago, Next Door Neighbor decided that Jason's ti plant was dead (even though it's leaves were green and it wasn't drooping or otherwise indicating it wasn't long for this world) and pulled it out. I walked outside to talk to some of the other neighbors that were hanging out in the street (it's a dead-end, so we tend to pull out our camp chairs and hang out in the road drinking beer and shooting the shit). NDN had some clippers and was trimming the groundcover in front of my garage. Jason was standing out there looking stricken.

He's terrible at confrontation, so I whispered to him, "do you want me to say something?"

He nodded.

I turned to NDN. "Why did you take out Jason's plant? And why are you gardening the area in front of my house?" I didn't yell, but I don't doubt that my voice was stern.

"The plant was dead. And it's my yard."

"The plant was not dead, and it is not your yard. My fence ends right there, and everything you're doing is on land in front of my house."

"It's my yard. It's my yard."

"It is not your yard. Look where you're standing. You're directly in front of my fence and my house. How do you figure it's your yard?"

"It's my yard," she insisted.

"Fine. I'm not going to argue about this with you. I'll consult the paperwork and talk to people that know something about the property boundaries."

"You do that," she said.

"Don't worry, I will," I replied.

The condo documents containing all of the rules regarding common areas are hundreds of pages long, and I wasn't in the mood to hunt them down. I went inside to feed and bathe Zeke. When I came outside afterwards, I was standing talking to our neighbor across the street when I saw Jason come out of the house, grab his electric hand-saw, and cut down the plant next to where his ti plant had been. The plant he cut had been there when we moved in. It was about a foot and a half high and probably costs about $5 at Home Depot.


I fully recognize that this was a stupid and immature thing for him to do. But he was furious and acted without thinking, and in any event, it would have been the condo association's issue to raise. If they wanted us to replace the plant, no problem.

We went about our business and didn't think about plants any more.

Then yesterday, at about 5 in the afternoon, I walked outside to see two police cars in front of NDN's house.

"No, it couldn't be," I thought.

But yes, NDN had summoned the police about the plant. And as I stood in my driveway trying to keep from busting out laughing, the police were pointing out the imaginary line from the edge of my fence to the street and explaining to NDN that under Honolulu's city and county rules, anything on the "my house" side of that line was mine, and if I wanted to remove a plant, I could do it. After consulting with me and one of the other neighbors about the condo rules, the nice policeman also explained to her that in any event, the lawn and everything on it belonged to the condo association, so if anyone had standing to complaint about the loss of a plant, it was the association and not her.

NDN is now moping around complaining to the other neighbors that I don't like her and I act like I don't like her and that my treatment of her is "less than human." Guilty as charged on the first two. The last is too ridiculous to even address. My interaction with her is generally limited to saying "good morning" when we pass each other in the mornings walking our dogs.

In any case, Jason and I have not been able to stop giggling. Who knew a trip from the cops could do so much to lighten the mood around here?