Panic! 'Ere the Ship Goes

When I got to work this morning, I had gotten no sleep and had been in a state of panic for 14 hours. 

Yesterday when I checked the mail, I had a letter from my health insurance company. They informed me that my health insurance for me and my children had been terminated and that I would cease to have coverage after June 30, 2022. 

I immediately burst into tears.

It's been a difficult and stressful week. 

Work has been uncharacteristically hectic. I had court all day on Wednesday, an expulsion hearing yesterday, and three new disputes/cases to deal with.

I've been scrambling to get Zeke packed and ready for his big bike trip before I leave for my cruise. 

I needed to get a COVID test and go to the waxing salon and get my nails done. 

I've been getting organized and packing for myself, and feeling overwhelmed by the task. So many things to take - dresses! jewelry! casual clothes! workout clothes! fancy shoes! hiking shoes! Does my bathing suit look ok on me? 

The agita came to a head when I was trying to figure out the bra situation for a new dress that has a halter neck, meaning my shoulders are bare and I can't wear a regular bra without straps showing. The other night I literally spent 45 minutes engaged in boob-wrangling to try to figure out what to do with this one stupid dress. I have some strapless bras, but strapless bras are invariably difficult if you have big boobs, because if they do the job and actually hold the girls up, they are tight and cumbersome. I have some of those clippy things you can use with regular bras to pull the straps in to make a racer-back, but it didn't work with the neckline. By the time I gave up I was exhausted and stressed out and felt like I had been wrestling a bear. 

Greg's solution was to gleefully suggest that I go commando, which I may end up doing. 

Time is particularly of the essence because I'm going to a Dead show tonight, another one tomorrow, and then our flight to Seattle leaves the following morning at 6 a.m.

In immortal words of Crash Davis, I'm dealing with a lot of shit. 

So when I got the letter from the insurance company, I lost my mind. I was wracking my brain trying to figure out if I had somehow forgotten to make all of my benefits selections during the open enrollment period, but I knew I hadn't because a) I specifically remember doing it, and b) when I logged in to my account, a number of the changes I made were reflected in my account. The idea that I would make a bunch of changes and selections but somehow neglect the health insurance piece, which is without a doubt the most important part? Inconceivable. 

It was too late to call anyone, so I hurriedly wrote an email - which I'm sure was barely comprehensible - to one of our benefits coordinators asking if they knew what was going on. 

Then I fretted all night. What would I do? Was it too late to fix it? The end of June is less than 2 weeks away, and I'll be gone for one of those weeks - how do I find decent health insurance in such a short time? How will I afford it? How will I get my and my kids' prescriptions filled? What if something happens to Zeke on his trip and he doesn't have health coverage? Who will I be able to see for my knee rehab? How can I risk injury riding the Triple Bypass or skiing next season or doing anything else if I can't find insurance coverage? 

My heart pounded in my chest and I didn't sleep. I was too nervous to eat. So I got up and went to work super early because I couldn't think of anything else to do. When I got to the office, I headed to the HR department.

"Hi, guys," I said. "I don't know if you've seen my email but..." 

Before I could finish my sentence one of the women said, "I was just getting ready to email you back. There was a glitch - it happened to a few people and it's already been fixed. Don't worry, you're good to go."

I felt overwhelming relief followed by overwhelming exhaustion and hunger. 

"Oh my god. Thank you so much. I was seriously freaking out. You're the best." 

"All good, Wendy. We've got you covered."

I went up to my office and starting checking stuff off my to-do list. My COVID test results came back negative. I texted Zeke about getting all the stuff he needs into his duffel bag. I bought a parking pass for the show tonight so we don't have to worry about parking. I reminded myself to leave checks for the cat sitter and the cleaning lady. Tomorrow I will finish packing before I take my stuff Greg's and we head out to the second show. We will be exhausted Sunday morning, but once we get on the boat we won't have to do anything. 

Maybe at that point, the feeling of anxiety that is gripping my chest will abate and I can finally relax. 

School's out for summer

I got home from work last week and found Zeke chilling on the couch eating popcorn and watching TV. 

"Heeeeey Wowie," he said, using his pet name for me. 

"Heeeeey Zekey," I responded. "What did you get up to today?"

"I went to the park with some of my friends. We did some skating."

"Nice. Bratwurst dogs and salad OK for dinner?"

"Sure, sounds good."

"Josie? You home?" I yelled up the stairs.

"Hi Mumsie!"

"Good day?"

"Good day!"

Our days are good right now. 

Because my kids attend school (most of the time without an argument) and I work for a school district handling the student matters, summer is a mellow time for all of us. The day after the last day of school, my workload drops off dramatically. June and early July are deader than disco. The teachers and staff are off contract for the summer, the administrators take vacation, and things slow. way down. It's lovely.

For my kids, they are at an age when they can hang out with their friends and fend for themselves, but aren't quite old enough for summer jobs. And after a year that was stressful for a number of reasons, Jason and I decided that with the exception of some overnight camp for Josie and an amazing three week bike ride for Zeke (Portland to the Golden Gate Bridge), they could have an unstructured summer to chill out. 

So for all of us, we're relaxed and happy. We have things to look forward to. Colorado in the summer is amazing. We can have beach days on the lake with the paddleboards. We can go hiking in the mountains. We can go to any of the myriad festivals popping up around the city. I've got two Dead & Company shows next week, and then Greg and I are going on an Alaska cruise in which we have to get dressed up so that we can have dinner with Captain Stubing. Then in late July, we go to the Outer Banks.

In one respect, however, I will not be chilling out. Because I have decided that I'm going to try to ride the Triple Bypass after all. 

When I busted up my knee and particularly when I had my surgery, my assumption was that there was absolutely no way I would be able to do it. The early stages of rehab were painful and difficult. The swelling took a long time to go down. My hamstring ached where they took the graft. 

But then I started getting stronger, and from there, the progress was dramatic. 

The surgery was a little over two months ago. As soon as I was able to, I started a weight lifting program and was doing rides on the Peloton. I started small - 5 and 10 minute rides with almost no resistance. I increased the time and the resistance as I felt stronger and more comfortable. When the PT said I could work out of the saddle, I did that. 

Three weeks ago, I had my 6-week follow up with my surgeon, He said that everything looked great and that I could do as much on the bike and with weights as I could tolerate. 

"Can I ride on my real bike outside?"

"Not yet. Give it another month or so. The ligament is still weak. If you fall or somebody hits you, if you have to stick a leg out to catch yourself, it could be really bad. But inside, go for it. The rule is, if it doesn't hurt, you can do it."

Which got me thinking. 

On the Peloton, I can do power zone rides and climb rides and HIIT training. There are rides that mimic mountain climbs from stages of the Tour du France. There is a 5 hour series of climb rides based on going up Mt. Haleakala in Hawai'i. I can do short rides and long rides, and I can string rides together to get used to being in the saddle for long periods of time. Off the bike, I can lift weights to increase my strength and stability on the bike. 

"The Triple Bypass is on August 20," I thought. "I have 12 weeks. Why not train inside until I can train outside?"

The only thing missing would be getting in some rides at altitude - the Bypass is all above 7,000 feet, with the mountain passes over 11,000 feet. But if I can start riding outside by early July, I'll have enough time to do some long rides in the mountains.  

Why not?

I couldn't think of a reason. So I put together a training schedule and got to work. 

The day after we get back from the cruise, I have another PT appointment. My hope is that I will get the go-ahead to start training outside. And then I will be on my way. 

I'm nervous and excited about it the same time. Which is one of my favorite feelings. Let's fucking go.