Thursday, February 27, 2014

Do over

One of the things I do at night when I wake up in the middle of the night is play "what if?" in my head.  What if I had gone to Michigan instead of Virginia?  What if I had decided to become a doctor instead of a lawyer?  What if I hadn't gone to Costa Rica and met J?  I try to create a different trajectory and imagine where I would be now.

Or last night, I went out with a group of my sorority sisters (there are 6 of us in the Denver/Boulder area who were all ZTAs at UVa at the same time), and we were talking about birthdays and the weirdness of being in our mid-40s now.  When I was in my 20s or even my 30s, mid-40s was ANCIENT.  But suddenly it's here. And we talked about how amazing it would be to be able to relive certain sections of your life over and over again, in order to experience all of the different things we'd love to be able to do and experience.  For me, I'd love to redo the ages of 25 to 35 - I could travel, different professions, learn different sports, have relationships with different people, whatever.  A series of fresh starts and do-overs.

One friend pointed out that I'm kind of getting a do-over myself.  Because I'm going to be single again.  I can date again.  Which is both exciting and terrifying to think about.

I have no idea if I even want to get married again.  I don't really think I do.  As my dad recently reminded me, I have long thought that my ideal romantic relationship would be with someone who lives around the corner, so we can hang out when we feel like it, but then have our own spaces to go back to.  I'm not a fan of too much togetherness.

And I've definitely learned some lessons that I will carry forward.  Primarily, that the notion of opposites attracting is horseshit.  Or maybe, they'll attract, but not be the basis for a sustainable relationship.  This time around, I will seek out someone who is more like me.  Someone with a similar background, or similar education, or similar interests.  Not total similarities - that would be boring - but at least some common frames of reference.

It would be nice to experience the flush of romance again.  I'm not ready to give up on that aspect of being a human being just yet.


  1. Honestly, and I am not saying this just to think of something reassuring to say, I suspect that you will be very good at a mid life "do-over," as you are so skilled at re-inventing yourself. I can imagine how daunting it must feel....but I can also imagine the excitement!!

  2. So, I have given this a lot of thought, because I was single until I was getting uncomfortably close to 40. And while I hope to stay married to Nick forever and ever, I do think that if I were single now, I'd be in a much better position than I was at 38 before I met him. Single and dating would be easier, in many ways. I would be looking for different things - and not someone to marry and have kids with. I have my kids - I'm not worried about my aging eggs. I have created a life that I like, and turned into a person that I feel good with. And that's the position you are in, or going to be in. I think it's an excellent one, honestly. Big hugs to you.

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